An “Inconvenient” Pregnancy

I watched the doctor’s facial expressions as he read my test results.

He smiled as he looked over at me and said, “It is positive, congratulations, you are pregnant.”

At 38, my suspicion was confirmed. The ulcer I thought I had was not an ulcer; I was pregnant with our 3rd child. My husband’s vasectomy from the previous year went unchecked and had apparently failed.

I always wanted more than two children, but I had put that chapter behind me when my husband felt that two children completed our family. Truly, my children are very blessed to have the dad they have. He is an incredibly loving and engaged dad. His primary reason for not wanting more children was so that he had lots of time to pour into two.

I see myself as a strong, independent woman who isn’t easily daunted. However, having a third child at near 40 truly unsettled me. Without the unwavering support of my husband and my mother-in-law, I sometimes wonder if I would have considered the horrific act of abortion.

Abortion has never been an option for me. But for a brief moment – even in a solid, loving, and stable marriage – the thought crossed my mind – ever so briefly. I felt inconvenienced by this unplanned pregnancy.

I am ashamed to admit it, but in those moments, I was feeling quite desperate. Our beautiful baby girl was born in mid-April. Her brother and sister were, for the most part, delighted to have a baby sister to cuddle, and the first month seemed to go well as we adjusted to the new family member.

Then the post-partum hit. Wow, what a journey that embarked our family on.

As I already mentioned, I am a strong, independent woman, but hormones influenced feelings and actions that were entirely uncharacteristic of my usual personality. I remember feeling so mentally awful that I actually believed my husband and kids would be better off without me. Suicide was at the forefront of my mind. My husband would leave for work, praying he wouldn’t come home to tragedy.

Thankfully, a dear friend and trained child psychologist took the time to have a heart-to-heart with me and was able to convince me that I needed medical help.

Medication stabilized me, which enabled me to think clearly again. It was still an uphill journey as I had very few coping skills. Our homeschool lifestyle had to be set aside for a year, and I had our little one stay with a trusted friend for part of the day, once or twice per week. This gave me time to rest and recover.

For me to say those first five years were easy would not be true. I do not feel I recovered from post-partum for at least five years. I struggled with feeling like this 3rd child was an “inconvenience”. I did not have the same level of patience with her as I did with my other children. I often clashed with her as she developed into a strong, independent female, like her mother.

I am grateful for the support of a loving husband, many family members and my deep love of Father God.

Fast forward 19 years... my youngest is a strong, independent young woman. She is a wonderful mix of both her dad’s and her mom’s personalities. She is someone I love spending time with. I am proud of the young woman she is growing into. I have had heartfelt conversations with her that included sincere apologies for the mistakes I made as I struggled to parent her.

I think back to that pregnancy and how tough those first few years were. I can honestly say it was worth it. But I also know without a doubt, I am forever grateful for the love and tenderness I felt from our Heavenly Father, the unconditional love and support I had from my husband, his mom, and some dear friends.

In our situation, it has taken a “village” to raise our children. I often think of women who lack the support I have received. I am moved to pray for those who need unconditional love and support. I pray they will come to know the love, peace, and joy only Jesus can offer. I also pray that at least one person will choose to stand by these women in their time of desperate need. Just one person reaching beyond themselves to help another can make the difference between life and death. I believe abortion can truly become unthinkable in Canada, through prayer and intentional acts of humanity, one person at a time.

I will leave readers with one scripture I have leaned on so many times; “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 ESV